Great Expecations, Part II

The last post was a bit of a downer, but as I said, I just want to be as real as possible.  I don't mean to come across as though I'm just complaining and not appreciative of this opportunity because, believe me, I am.  This life-changing experience was completely out of my comfort zone to begin with, so I have overcome a lot of my insecurities and learned quite a bit about myself in the process. 

So, now that I feel like I've gotten everything off my chest for the time being,  I am focusing my energy on re-prioritizing my life so that I can capitalize on this journey and make it the best that it can be.

First off, I've learned that one of my biggest problems is the need to always plan for the future.  I like to have a mental blueprint of what my life is going to be like and what my next step is, and if things don't always play out how I think they should, sometimes I feel like I've lost all control.  Although planning is important (to a degree), sometimes I think I obsess about it a little too much.  One would think that I would have learned by now to just let go and live for the moment given some of the unexpected events that I have gone through, but I still haven't picked up on that yet.  Positive step # 1:  Live for today and enjoy every moment for what it is.  Worry about tomorrow when it gets here.  That sounds like an inspirational cliche from a poster that hung in my third grade classroom.  You know those ones with the cat in a bow tie or something?  Yeah, anyway, all cliches aside, there is truth to that statement.  Along the same lines, I am not going to stress about my next step until Intermediate is over, which is set for March 16.  I figure that would give me at least two months to start looking for jobs or internships or whatever for when I return to the States.
   
Positive step # 2: Run more often.  I'm signed up for the March half marathon in Atlanta, so I am trying to trick myself into believing that I should be training for that. 

Positive step # 3:  Enjoy PARIS!  I know I will be doing much more meandering and exploring when the weather changes, but I need to stop being lazy, grab my coat and umbrella, and just do it now.  Spending six weeks in Duluth reminded me how much I love the city and loath the suburbs.  I hate having to drive everywhere and the serious lack of charm and character.  While urban life comes with a laundry list of problems, I'd take that over suburbia any day.  All of that being said, I need to take advantage of the incredible city I have at my disposal. 

Positive outlook # 4: Continue to heal.  Being back in Atlanta was really difficult for me because I wasn't used to the constant reminder of David.  It is nice to be away from that a little longer while I still sort through my emotions.  I do feel like I've made progress, though.  While I still have some hard days, I think the time between the those days is increasing.  Healing is one of the main reasons I came over here in the first place, so I don't want to lose sight of that.  I still miss about him every second of every day, but I am focusing that energy on making the most of this experience.  For him and for me.

Positive step # 5: Do the absolute best that I can at school.  I love all of the time that I spend in the kitchen, and I really feel like I have improved since last session.  I know that I have a long way to go, but I think that I'm learning to have fun with it and not take everything so personally.  For example, I had my first "catastrophe", as the chef likes to put it, while making milk chocolate candies yesterday.  I knew they didn't turn out right, but rather than get upset about it, I couldn't help but laugh.  Although I didn't understand the majority of what the chef said during my critique (but I did catch the catastrophe!), he was laughing with me and gave me continuous high five's, so I am assuming it was okay! 

Positive step # 6: Appreciate the language and the culture.  While my comprehension of French has gotten much better, my speaking abilities are sub-par at best.  I have a little French workbook to help me with the speaking, so I plan be spending much more time with that.  Maybe I'll have it down by the time I leave.  Doubtful.  Also, French people amuse me more than they know.  I am convinced that they make simple things more difficult than they need to be, and inefficiency is definitely at the top of their list.  On the other hand, I admire the pride that they have for their maintaining their culture.

As I was walking to class the other day, I noticed a logo on the front of a large construction wall.  A smile crossed my face, and I felt a little pep in my step as soon as I saw it.  STARBUCKS!  I am constantly reminded that is is so American to drink to-go coffees and enjoy Starbucks, but guess what?  I am American, and I LOVE my Starbucks!  The French, however, were less than thrilled that this American chain was infringing on their quaint little neighborhood.  Reason 1, 293 why I love the French:

The best part is?  The familiar chain pictured below is a. located directly across the street and b. ALWAYS crowded.  Recognize the golden arches?  Yeah, I can't even make this stuff up.  I'm willing to bet that the angry Frenchy who defaced the Starbucks sign hopped on across the street and grabbed a Big Mac and fries after.

Positive step # 7: Eat as many croissants and baguettes as I want.  My philosophy is that my time here is limited, so I might as well savor them for as long as possible.  Also, if I got hit by a bus tomorrow, I can guarantee I wouldn't have regretted that one last buttery croissant.

Positive step # 8: Take advantage of the "me" time.  During one of my pity parties, my friend Meredith pointed out to me that this is probably one of the last periods in my life where I will truly be able to enjoy time by myself and for myself.  This one took a little bit of time for me to adjust to because I've always been a people person. Over the past couple of weeks, however, I have loved doing whatever I want, whenever I want.

Positive step # 9: Make a paper chain.  When I first got back, I thought about putting together one of those link chains out of construction paper to make the remaining time more tangible.  Since then, however, my outlook has become more positive.  Now I see it as the time remaining until I accomplish my goals.  A couple of friends from school and I started our assembly last week, and we are hoping to get it up by February 1.

Hard at work!  We are even writing inspiration messages on each link!

Positive step # 10:  Catch up on Glee.  Who doesn't love a good song and dance??

And last, but certainly not least, Positive step # 11: Face my fears.  Another cliche, I know, but seriously.  As illustrated in the previous post, I had a lot of concerns about coming back, and I tried to do everything short of chaining myself to Bentley to avoid coming back because I was scared.  I was scared about everything...from whether or not the stuff that I left was still safe and sound in my apartment to Did the building burn down?  Was the building still standing? to What will the people be like at school?  What if I don't have any friends over here and I end up spending 6 months alone? to Can I possibly do this?  Do I have the ability to pass these classes and follow through to the end?  What will I do when I go back home?  Every day that goes by (and all of the ups and downs in between) reminds me that I can and will do this successfully, and make the absolute most of it while I'm here.

- a tout à l’heure! 

Great Expectations, Part I

I'm sure I've mentioned that when I set out to write this blog, I wanted it to be real.  I didn't want it to all be flowers and sunshine because, well folks, that's not reality.  Life has a tendency to chew you up and spit you back out, so all you can really do is hang on tight.  This post explains just that.  Everything I have felt since returning to Paris up until now.  I know it may come as a shock to some of you, but I can be a little long winded, therefore I broke this post up into two parts so it is not quite so wordy.  Consider yourself warned!

I feel like I have so many scattered thoughts swirling around in my head right now, and I'm really struggling to get them all out.  In fact, this post has been about a week and a half in the making because I've written it, reread it, added to it, added to it again...only to delete the whole stupid thing and start from scratch.  I think that's been one of my problems since I've returned.  I'm still kind of searching for my muse to get back into the "expression" groove, so please bear with me while I'm working it all out.         

So, where is all of this going, you ask?  Well, let me start at the end.  Pretty much from the time my plane landed at Hartsfield, I had a nagging feeling of anxiety about returning to Paris...similar to a horse fly buzzing around your head that just won't go away.  That feeling spawned a degree of  apprehension associated with Thanksgiving, and then Christmas, because I knew that as soon as the big milestones were checked off the list, I would have to head back.  No matter how much I tried to slow down time, it seemed to speed up.  And let me tell you, in the back of my mind, I dreaded every.single.minute. that inched me closer and closer to Paris, all while trying to savor each moment that I spent at home...enjoying friends, family, and good ol' America.  Before I knew it, I was staring straight ahead in the center seat of the airplane, flying over the Atlantic, with every passing second increasing the distance between me and home.  And what's worse?  I couldn't help but constantly remind myself that I was going to be gone for DOUBLE the amount of time that I was before!  I left in the dead of winter (and missed Snowpocalypse 2011!!!) and will be returning to the blazing heat and humidity of the Southern summer.  

I know it seems insane to complain about leaving Duluth, GA for Paris, France...trust me, I get it.  But some things in life aren't as romantic and ideal as they may seem.  Aside from the obvious fact of homesickness -- which I think I've pretty much driven home at this point -- there have also been about a million and one other thoughts, worries, and stresses that have made me doubt this experience.

For starters,  I think that the first three months of being in Paris and starting Le Cordon Bleu could be likened to spending the summer at camp (aside from a couple of hiccups along the way).  We were all sequestered in this tiny place in the middle of a huge city, constantly seeing and doing new things, meeting new people, and taking in every second of the experience because it was a novelty.  Coming back, however, could not be any further from that.  I felt like I knew exactly what to expect and what it would be like...everything from the classes themselves, to the same old shops and restaurants in my neighborhood.  I understand that's crazy because how could I have possibly experienced everything in the short time that I was here before, but it's how I felt.

So, that whole anti-climatic, I-know-exactly-how-it-will-be -like-so-it-isn't-new-and-exciting-anymore mentality, coupled with homesickness, the stark realization that most all of the post-college nest egg I had built myself over the past 2 years was depleting at an alarming rate, and that I was actually having to borrow money to make this happen was all starting to make for a grim reality.  Needless to say, Mt. Etna ain't seen nothin' yet.  I was a hot mess.

After wallowing in my own self pity for a good while (and an "ah haha" moment with my guinea fowl), I finally realized what this all boiled down to.  Expectations...and "expectations" have a funny way of breeding other negative thoughts like fear, pressure, failure, and on and on...

What was expected of me if I finished this whole thing and received the Grand Diploma from Le Cordon Bleu Paris? (Or worse, what if I failed and didn't get it??)  That sounds pretty important, right??  I mean, let's look at this again.  When I set out to do this thing, I was only planning on staying three months for the Basic classes, not nine months for the whole enchilada.  At that point, it was just kind of a fun, once in a lifetime thing that I was doing to escape and heal.  Over the course of time, however, this "fun experience" manifested itself into an albatross with no direction.  Don't get me wrong, assuming I pass all of my Cuisine and Pastry classes to receive the Grand Diploma in the first place, I think it would be pretty awesome to have, and I would be honored and ecstatic to receive it.  The problem, however, arises with my post-Le Cordon Bleu life plan.  While I am definitely interested in a career in the food world, I am not interested in spending my entire life working nights and weekends getting yelled at in the kitchen.  That complicates things a little bit, no?  I mean, when you say you went to culinary school, that's the most obvious direction, so the fact that that is the opposite of what I aspire to be puts bit of a reality check on things.

Also, nearly everything I cooked at while I was home was a disaster.  Perhaps disaster is a strong word, but things definitely did not turn out how I wanted them to.  Although I think some of that had to do with being so used to having fully stocked kitchens at my disposal, I think it primarily had to do with expectations.  I felt like I needed to perform the absolute best that I could because everyone was expecting me to do so.  I know that this was almost 100% self imposed, but I think it was pretty natural given the circumstances.

I'm sure y'all find this hard to believe, but that's just the tip of the iceberg in this whole mess.  If I tried to lay it all out there, we would be here for weeks.  I felt like it was important, though, to try and get some of it off my chest for my own mental health.  For one, I've kinda stopped writing in my journal for no real reason at all, so this blog really is an expression of my innermost feelings.  Scary, huh?

Speaking of which, I have also been trying really hard to incorporate running back into my routine to get the endorphins pumping and lose some of the weight that I gained at home.  Yeah, that's right.  Not the weight that I gained here when I was eating croissants and baguettes on the regular because, I can say with confidence, that my clothes fit the exact same from when I arrived in Paris to when I left!  No, I'm talking about the substantial weight that I gained at home because I was back to eating American sized portions and not walking at least an hour a day to and from class.  I think the French are on to something. 

Anyway, yes, back to the running thing.  I've tried to go a couple of times a week, but it's so bloody cold outside (and rainy...I can count how many times the sun has been out for more than 30 minutes on one hand) that it takes all of the fun out of it.  I am also rrrreeeaaalllyyy excited for warm weather because life is just more beautiful when it is nice outside.

Thanks for sticking with me all the way through this.  I have a laundry list of other things I am doing to ensure that I'm making the absolute most out of this incredible journey that I'm on.  Stay tuned!

 - a tout à l’heure! 

Oui Chef!

Since the first day of class this session, I have rapidly returned to the days of uniforms that make me feel more like the Michelin Tire Man meets a Waffle House short order cook, and the loooong days spent running around the kitchen, only to realize that what I need is right in front of my face.   Top that off the with monotonous group chants of "Oui Chef" every time our fearless leader says something that they feel deserves a response.  Did I ever mention that before?  Yeah, every time a chef says  anything, we must respond with "Oui Chef" or else angry French chef commences --- good thing I only understand about 40% of what they are saying.  Voila!  Welcome to Intermediate.

So far, I think that Intermediate has been pretty similar to Basic, except for the obvious fact that the bar has been set much higher, therefore, it isn't as easy to play off stupid mistakes.  I'm in Intermediate now.  I should know better...ha. 

I realized today that I am entering my third week at Le Cordon Bleu and have yet to posted ANY pictures of my dishes!  I'll try to let the food do most of the talking.

We'll start off with Cuisine:      

Sooo...it took me a little while to get back into the swing of things in the kitchen.  The first dish I made, pictured below, was a Basque-style chicken with saffron rice (Basque is the name of a region in France near Spain).  All was going well until I couldn't get my stupid rice to cook properly the first time, so when the chef wasn't looking, I dumped it all out and started again.  When I think back on it, it may have been better to just roll with the rice that I had rather than start over because the shallots in the second batch were not cut properly (the chef kindly pointed that out during my critique), and it made me more stressed and frazzled to waste time starting over.  C'est la vie.  The chef also told me that I was not cooking in a hospital, therefore, I needed to add more salt to my rice and my vegetables.  I was off to a really great start. 

The second dish I made was a fillet of salmon wrapped in cabbage leaves.  All was going well until I reduced my sauce all the way down to a congealed syrupy mess, and my fish was practically raw...even though I cooked it well over the recommended time.  Fantastic.

I had an interesting epiphany just before I left for class to make the dish below (Pan-Roasted Guinea Fowl).  Up until that point, I had been going through a serious internal struggle about coming back to both Paris and Le Cordon Bleu (much  more to come on that later, I promise!).  Being the stubborn person that I am, I had been fighting everything here, rather than accepting and appreciating this opportunity for what it is.  Literally minutes before I left my apartment to go to class, I had a much needed breakdown.  It was a kind of "come to Jesus" moment, if you will.  I let it all out, and immediately felt much better about everything.  So, puffy eyes and all headed over to the school for my late class that evening.  While I was cooking, I let go, felt less stressed, and allowed it all to happen.  The result was a success!  In retrospect, I wish I would have left the skin on rather than peeling it off just before plating because it would have been more aesthetically pleasing, but I know for next time.  This guinea fowl and I went through a lot that night, and I feel as though I have it to thank for my rejuvenated appreciation for this crazy adventure.

This recipe was pretty wild...I never thought I would fillet a fish inside out, but that's pretty much what we did.  We had to gut the fish and remove all the bones, while still keeping it fully intact. 

Red mullet stuffed with a black olive tapenade

"Gaston Gerard" style chicken with a potato crepe

Stuffed sea bream fillet wrapped in lettuce leaves served with a Jerusalem artichoke puree

Roasted duck with polenta...I got a tres bien from the chef on this dish, and let me tell you, that doesn't come around very often!

Next up...Pastry!  Pastry is a completely different feel in the kitchen from cuisine.  It can definitely be challenging and stressful, but nothing like cuisine.  A guy in my class always says that pastry is our zen period of the day, while cuisine is pure  chaos.  I tend to agree with that.

Apricot streusel and almond cake

Passion fruit and raspberry tart...delicious!

The cakes below are called Jamaica, and they are chocolate sponge cakes with poached pineapple, filled with a passion fruit mousse and a coconut mousse.  My Jamaica is the one closest to the camera.

This is a white sponge cake filled with strawberries and pastry cream, and it is one of the best cakes that we've made so far.  Although Mom was here this past weekend to help me finish it, this thing hardly lasted two days.

Frasier

Raspberry macaroons filled with  vanilla pastry cream

This morning I made the macaroons above, and they were soooo good!  I won't tell you how many I have had today.  The original recipe called for Pastis which is a black licorice flavored liquor from Marseilles...barf!  Why ruin such a good thing?  I took it upon myself to leave that nastiness out.  The macaroons themselves were fairly easy to make...except for when the chef yelled at me and asked if a. I was in Basic and b. had  I ever seen an oval shaped macaroon.  I peeked at his grading sheet at the end of class, and I saw that I had done well...I guess he was just joking?  Who knows.  The French are hard to read. Oh well, I was proud of my La Tour Macaroon.  The picture below is of another chef who came into the room and showed us how to properly plate a macaroon.  They make it look so easy.

 - a tout à l’heure! 

I Heart Amsterdam

 So, what's been shaking on this side of the pond?  Well, prior to leaving the States, Leah and I had somewhat planned a quick trip to Amsterdam because: a. it was close and b. neither of us had been there before.  There were a lot of details that still needed to be worked out, but we really couldn't do anything until the last minute.  For example, I had been closely monitoring the train ticket prices for about a week, but we couldn't purchase them until we knew for sure we would make it on the flight... BUT, we definitely needed to buy them ASAP because the prices increase exponentially the closer you get to departure.  Also, Leah had been diligently researching hotels, but that also depended on...

1. Both of us getting on the flight
2. Locking down the train tickets at a reasonable price
3. Figuring out how we could get to the train station early enough to make a 06:25 train (they say the Metro starts running between 05:00 and 05:30, but...they're French..enough said.  We had invested too much into this little adventure to rely on the Metro)

As you can see, there were a LOT of factors that were all intertwined and dependent on each other...but, somehow, someway, all of the stars aligned, and we got everything straightened out!  Thanks, in part, to Mom and Jonathan figuring out how to buy 2 round trip train tickets, in French, mere seconds after Leah and I headed down the jet way. 

So, as soon as the plane touched down at Charles de Gaulle, we literally hit the ground running to get all of the other details worked out...starting with a quick nap followed by a turkey and lamb falafel from a life changing restaurant in the Jewish Quarter...

Here's a picture of Grandad and I in front of the restaurant when he came to visit. I've been there once... or twice...

Our alarms went off bright and early the next morning at 04:30, we met our taxi at 05:00, and before we knew it, we were on a train to Amsterdam!

Waiting to board the train

 

A visit to the Heineken Museum

The Heineken Museum had a lot of interactive things to do...including a video sing-a-long to a traditional Dutch song.  I couldn't keep a straight face the entire time and eventually gave up to head over to the complimentary tasting in the next room.  Feel free to check it out and have a good laugh at our expense.
 Heineken Video

Leah and I agreed that these mini Dutch pancakes were the highlight of the trip

Look at all of the powered sugar goodness!!!

We ventured over to the Red Light District to see what the fuss was about...apparently the swans liked it too

This is a parking deck with over 2,000 bikes!

One of the problems with living in a city full of canals...

While it was pretty cold and foggy, Leah and I felt that we had conquered Amsterdam in the 2.5 days that we were there.  Between walking around, visiting the Van Gogh Museum, strolling through the Red Light District, relaxing on a canal tour, and, of course, eating lots of food...including (but not limited to) Indonesian fair and French fries (apparently both are specialties), we thoroughly enjoyed our whirlwind trip.  But, alas, it was finally time to head back to ol' Paris.

As soon as we got back to my apartment, we quickly changed and headed out to celebrate New Year's Eve --- Parisian style.  We really didn't have much of a plan except to be at the Eiffel Tour at midnight, so we grabbed a quick dinner at the only restaurant that was open and not ridiculously crowded (it was mediocre at best...hence, the plethora of space), but made it back to the tower just in time for the clock to strike twelve.

Champagne toast!

La Tour Eiffel at midnight!

Aside from the crowds, the tower did the same light show that it does at the top of every hour...no fire works or anything.  Oh well, we still had a really great time ringing in 2011!

Bonne Année!!!

- a tout à l’heure!   

Bienvenue à Paris ... Part Deux

Well, it's official, folks, I'm back!  I know it has been a ridiculously long time since I have posted, and I am sure some blogging etiquette out there says it isn't beneficial in building and maintaining readership to wait 9,849 years between posts, but I have been INCREDIBLY busy!!!  My time at home flew by in 2.5 seconds, and I was very sad to see it go, to say the least, but much more to come on that later.  Also, I have officially been in class for a week (Intermediate Cuisine and Pastry - ah!), and let me tell you, they wasted ZERO time getting us reacquainted to the schedule or the kitchen. 

Fortunately,  I was tempered back into life as an ex-pat with my best friend, Leah, who made the journey with me. 

Holding our breath (and our passports) that we would make it on the flight

9 hours later...

Enjoying the first (of many...eek!) authentic French croissants.  This is a typical day for me...a croissant in one hand, and an umbrella in the other

 So, yes, I am back in Paris for the long haul...the next 5 1/2 months to be exact.  Unless, of course, I change my mind and try to finagle a way to come home sooner.  (Just kidding, Mom!  Kind of...)

I wanted to send a thank you to everyone for the emails that I received wondering where the blog updates were over the past couple of weeks (this post is dedicated to you, Tabani.  Now, get back to work!).  Sometimes when I get on my soapbox and ramble on about this and that, I forget that there are people out there in the world who actually take time out of their day to see what I'm up to, and I really, really appreciate that!!  It made me feel very excited and flattered that y'all are actually interested in what I am doing over here.  I sincerely apologize for my delinquency in posting, and I am trying to be more regular with updates this time around.  So, I will bid y'all farewell for now, but much more to come very soon!

And because my dear friend and I were apart for so long, I'll leave y'all with this!

- a tout à l’heure!